It’s been a wild and wacky week in Trumpland, whose campaign team was probably hoping to discuss substantial policy issues.

Instead, his Republican cronies were busy arguing over the nuances of the McDonald’s menu. As per their claims, Donald Trump “knows the McDonald’s menu better than Kamala Harris ever did.” Yes, folks, it has come to this. The real measure of presidential fitness is obviously one’s mastery of the McNugget.

As Election Day looms just two weeks away, one might expect Trump to sharpen his arguments into a compelling closing pitch to the American people. However, on Oct. 19, he initiated what was supposed to be a serious rally in Latrobe, Pennsylvania, by diving into a 12-minute monologue about Palmer’s… manhood. Yes, that Arnold Palmer — the legendary golfer known for his sportsmanship and philanthropy, not for, well, the details Trump found most noteworthy.

Now, it’s no secret that Trump has a bit of a wandering eye when it comes to his obsessions. Sharks, Hannibal Lecter, rating women in politics like some sort of deranged beauty pageant judge,  making kissy faces at Elon Musk on X, trying to lay some unwanted smooches on horrified little girls…the man contains multitudes, and most of those multitudes should probably be on some kind of watchlist. But this sudden swerve into the world of Palmer peen worship is a new one.

“This man was strong and tough,” Trump bellowed. And when he took showers with the other pros, they came out of there, they said, ‘Oh my God, that’s unbelievable.’” 

Sure, Palmer was a hometown hero in Latrobe, a golfing god among men who learned to swing a club from his polio-stricken pops and went on to become the undisputed “King” of the links. Politicians making the pilgrimage to pay their respects to Palmer in his birthplace is not uncommon. But Trump spending a full 12 minutes rhapsodizing about Palmer’s penis and mournfully lamenting that the night would be so much more bigly fun if only the late-Palmer could be there to join him on stage? That’s…well, that’s a choice, I guess.

One can only imagine the late golf icon’s reaction to this creepy fanboying – he’d probably be desperate to pull a Houdini and vanish in a puff of smoke (a trick Trump himself is well-versed in). In fact, Palmer’s daughter told The Sporting News in 2018 that her father, a conservative, was so put off by Trump’s lack of civility that he would make disgusted noises whenever Trump appeared on TV.

And that was before the whole “fomenting an insurrection” unpleasantness —one shudders to think how Palmer would react to the sight of the now-convicted felon as he grows more repulsive with each passing day.

During his campaigning, Trump eventually got around to trotting out his greatest hits – tax cuts for the rich and of course, ranting about THE BOARDER!!!! (Err…wait…BORDER) – but did he offer any compelling new reasons for voters to give him another crack at the Oval Office? Not so much. The Democratic camp, along with everyone else who still has a synapse left to fire, has pointed to this latest Looney-Tunes “man-meat mania” as yet more evidence of the rancid yam’s accelerating cognitive decline. 

They might just be onto something — after all, this is a guy who danced like a demented marionette for a full 40 minutes without stopping and seems to think his little failed coup klatch was scheduled for Election Day. But maybe the truth is far simpler – maybe Trump has just developed a taste for the dong side. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…but good luck selling that rebrand to the hordes of knuckle-dragging, homophobe troglodytes who make up his base. We have seen photographic evidence of Trump merrily motorboating a done-up-in-drag Rudy Giuliani on TV, so who knows what to believe anymore?